Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
