Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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