someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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