I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
