I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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