im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
