just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I touched a dick in church today
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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