Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
