hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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