just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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