I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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