Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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