I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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