I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
