last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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