Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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