I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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