He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
