yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize