So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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