Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
