Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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