Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
