Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I came so hard my ears popped.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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