I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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