Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's always time for handjobs
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
