at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
