he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
