you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.