it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
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Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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