Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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