She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
