we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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