i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
