i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
