Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
