so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
