I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
