my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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