Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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