it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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