God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
