Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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