we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
