You can't motorboat a personality
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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