I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
