I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
