How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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