But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
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I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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