I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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