Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
do nipples grow back?
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