On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You are the jesus of drinking
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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