If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
