she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
