just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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